TEENS, TWEENS & TWIXTS (not the candy bar)
As a parent to a teenager, a tween and a twixt (I call my youngest my ‘twixt’ – he’s betwixt tweens and toddlers at the ripe age of 7), I have had my share of triumphs and challenges. Here are
5 things to know about teenage boys
It should be noted that the "he" in this piece is an amalgamation of several teenaged boys in my life. No connection to an actual teenager… named Joseph… nope none at all.
1. They make bad decisions (Expected? Yes. Just wasn’t prepared for this one.) He was going for the world record for largest bubble-gum bubble. In the shower. Of course he was. His plan didn’t go as he’d hoped - the gum didn’t bubble, instead it flew out of his mouth and onto his nether regions. He thought it would just ‘wear off’ and proceeded to put on his fleece pajamas… seriously… fleece and gooey bubblegum. When that made matters far worse, he attempted to melt the gum from his freshly-grown pubic hair in a near-scalding shower. Long story short, he ended up covered in first-degree burns, and partially-bald ‘down there.’ Oh - and I had to buy a new pair of cuticle scissors.
2. They don’t know they stink “Hey, the Axe-Man Cometh!” He just loves it when I greet him that way every day. There’s a certain green mist that follows a young teenaged boy - a heady mix of corn chips and fried onions smothered in Axe spray. He may think he’s a swag-master and perfectly ready to be in presence of other human beings. He’s not. He stinks and it’s your job to tell him. And while you’re at it, bury the Axe in the backyard (be ready to bury a few hatchets during these teen years, too).
3. They are terrible criminals (or maybe I’m lucky?) This is one I hope he can hold onto – I don’t relish having a criminal mastermind plotting his next heist at the dinner table. I told him he couldn’t stay up past his bedtime to play video games and yet when I woke up the next day, there was a flashlight outside his door and the gaming system was still warm. There was also a half-empty bag of jellybeans on the floor and the smell of Doritos was still thick in the air (Seriously? Jelly beans and Doritos?) You confront. He denies. You show him the overwhelming stack of evidence against him, he crumbles. You ask him why - - silly, Mom - - he didn’t think he’d get caught, of course. That’s what they all say, jellybean breath – now hand over your phone.
4. They require a lot of sleep and showers (this one is my favorite)
I fully embrace the four showers that he takes each day (see number two above). I just go with it despite the mountain of wet towels on the floor and the dank, dark cave that was once his bedroom. Between the narcoleptic sleeping and constant showering he only has about three good hours of free time to make bad decisions and leave the evidence behind. This is a good thing. Other positives - I won’t need to make him breakfast again until Christmas morning and he has learned to wash his own sheets. Trust me on this one – teach your son how to do his own laundry. Do it now before you’re both permanently scarred for life.
5. They love to “one-up” you (aka they’re a bunch of know-it-alls) Driving in the car one summer afternoon, I said, “Mmmm… I smell watermelon.” Instead of a “Me too” or no response at all (my comment didn’t really warrant a rebuttal and yet…) he cleared his throat and launched, “That’s not watermelon. It’s actually the essence of freshly-cut grass – commonly mistaken for watermelon. You see, it’d be impossible for watermelon to smell strong enough to reach us while driving in this motorized vehicle.” In other words, “Gawd, Mom. How do you even function? I am clearly your intellectual superior.”
Hard to argue that fact when I’m wearing two different shoes.