BABY, DON'T FEAR THE CAPE
I’ve gotten used to people noticing that my ring finger is bare. I don’t mind attending school and sporting events alone. I will always be a “Mrs.” to my kids’ friends. I'm great at traveling alone with my children, I have learned how to prune trees, fix appliances, and hit a triple in our backyard, and all while doing 10 loads of laundry and cooking a mean turkey dinner.
I’ve made peace with the ever-present balancing act that seems to come with the territory of being an “only parent”. It’s the stigma that I am somehow selfish for creating a ‘broken home’ for my children that I would like to stuff down someone’s throat.
My home is not broken. In fact, I would wager that the respect, loyalty, love, laughter, and good manners (always, good manners!) in our home rival any ‘nuclear’ family out there. We might be down a grown-up in my household, but there are no eggshells to walk on, no tension thick enough to choke you, and no fighting (save for the bickering amongst siblings that comes with childhood). While it was certainly not my vision to parent alone, it is my reality and I…we… are doing just fine.
Raising awesome kids who will grow into awesome adults? Check. Providing financially for their well-being and futures? Got it. Attending every event and cheering loudly enough to embarrass them? Yup. Hugging them and laughing with them every day? Absolutely (OK – we may not laugh every day, but darn near close to it). So why the clucking behind my back about my children lacking enough positive role models? You think their father is the missing positive influence? You know nothing. In fact, they are involved in our community through our church and philanthropy, earn straight As in school, participate in a myriad of activities, and have a great, solid groups of friends. What exactly are they missing?
I am raising my kids to own their bodies and their decisions, speak their minds, work hard, and have goals. I am also raising them to share their feelings – good, bad, and ugly - to never fear judgment, to drink lots of water, and that sleep and laughter are the two greatest medicines for anything that ails you (sometimes a good ol’-fashioned cry, too). Are you? Oh mother who has a husband/father of your kids in your home with you, but your children are ill-mannered and lacking joy and goals… judge not, my dear. You were downright giddy when I was brought to my knees during my divorce and the ensuing aftermath, but now that I’ve risen up, you can’t seem to stop trying to poison the well of my supporters. Sounds like you’re the one who needs another positive role model.
Why do I care about the misguided and mean comments? My kids. My children can’t fathom someone judging them for their family structure. Why would they? All they know is love. They have full acceptance from me, from their extended family (for the most part), from their friends, and from their extended community-family. While I may not believe that I ever have enough time (what mother does?), enough patience to always listen attentively, enough compassion for stubbed toes and hurt feelings – trust and believe that I have enough love – the tough kind and the warm and squishy kind. More than enough for my three heartbeats. That will never change.
If you think I don’t see the looks you exchange with your spouse, or hear the gossip that there’s no way my children will “turn out OK”, think again. I see and hear it all. If my husband died and left the picture, you’d arrive on my doorstep with a casserole and an offer to help. I would never belittle someone dealing with the death of a spouse, but those children have lost a parent, as well. Do you say hurtful things about them too?
I know what it is… you’re threatened by my super-powers, aren’t you? Are you jealous that I was able to courageously protect my kids from living in a war zone? That I took control of an out-of-control situation? You must find it unsettling, or you wouldn’t try to undermine my triumphs.
Do you wish you had my strength? Keep wishing. And stop standing on my cape.